Thursday, June 26, 2008

I'm Not Giving In

I thought that I would give a quick update as to how this week has been going.

I feel old, tired, achy and a little bit cranky too. I've had a few freak outs. Today's was particularly awesome - "F----ing Bi--------------------------tch" (the last word was long and loud and had tons of frustration behind it! It echoed for a minute too. haha.). But I only yelled because I really care.

I guess you could say that Mission: Get tired, both mentally and physically = Accomplished. And I still have one day left to go, which I'm way too excited about!

I am actually quite nervous about going to bed tonight because I don't know if I will be able to walk like a normal human being tomorrow morning when I wake up. I am pretty sure that I am going to have to limp, tip toe, shuffle and heave myself to the bathroom in the morning. Ahhhh, the life of an Olympic gymnast. Gotta love it.

I think this is the worst part about pushing yourself your have to pay before you get your reward. And waking up and feeling like your body has been beaten is a harsh reality of becoming the best in this sport.

The good thing, and something that I try to keep in mind often, is that the reward does come eventually...once you've had some time to recover. That time will come, but not for a little while. There are still a few weeks of 'pushing myself far far beyond my point of comfort' that have to happen. Crazy thing is, as much as I try to evoke the emotion of hate towards feeling like crap, I actually love this feeling. I love punishing myself...don't get me wrong, I'm not into S & M, but when my mind and body are tired and I am on the verge of breaking down then I have evidence that I have been pushing myself hard. If I felt great right now, I would be a little worried.

I can't remember a time in my gymnastics past where I've put forth the effort that I have been lately. I can look back and remember times when I was tired and knew that I had worked hard, but right now is like, 'day in day out, can't waste a minute, must go till death' kind of pushing myself. And with the time I lost because of injury, I desperately need to. I feel this sense of urgency and I am trying to embrace it.

I have been asking myself the question,"How bad do I want this?", many times in the past week. At morning training today I literally could not rebound across the floor in warm up. I felt like my shins were going to explode. But then this afternoon, I came in to the gym knowing that I needed to tumble and I found a way to shut out the pain and just do it.

When you have 42 days left until the most important competition of your life begins, you don't give in. You can't. You want to, but after you have come this far, there is no way that you can let yourself down. They say that champions are not defined by the moments they are on top and feeling great, but rather by how they push themselves forward when they are down and struggling. I am proving to myself that I do have a "Champion's" attitude. There is absolutely no way I am giving in now.

I'm Off to bed...actually I'm half-sleeping already! Wish me luck with surviving one more day!


1 comment:

Dez said...

I think "IF" all Screamed every now and then. We all get to where we get too. I think you have a head start on the rest of us! I can only hope you KEEP going and getting to what you Want. How can we question where we are going. when the good part is getting there. Have a Good Morning! Everyday and Smell it like a Rich and Fulfilling one.