If there were a set of rules for successful blogging, I have broken them all.
Posting once a month just doesn't cut it.
I am done school now. Life is winding down and I finally have some time to think and reflect again. I've been reading a lot, writing a lot...and feeling a lot. I've been immersed in an internal struggle where I feel like I have withdrawn from expressing what's important to me. I've been filtering in fear of reaction. I realized today that just because you put it out there, doesn't mean everyone cares. We all have our own crap going on. My hope is that being real and posting about this challenge I'm facing will help someone, connect someone or just give someone some comfort in knowing that they are not the only one feeling this way...and that someone could be me ;)
It always seems like I get mushy during this time of year. Reflection is high and the way I've treated myself, the world and the people around me over the course of the year starts to become glaringly apparent. I always seek the measuring stick. How much further along am I than I was at this time last year? What have I accomplished over the course of 365 days? What experiences did I have? Were they amazing or just kind of? What has changed? What has stayed the same? What bad habits did I fall into and what one's did I break? What did I push myself to do and what do I wish I would have done more of? How many days was I the version of myself that I love and how many days was I the version of myself that I hate? Did I get everything done that I set out to do? Did I progress?
I can drive myself nuts with these questions because no matter what I've done, I always feel like I didn't do enough. I am starting to wonder if this is just the way I am. Am I wired to never be satisfied? Am I always going to be the type of person who can't accept the way things are? Will I always be left wanting more? I am really good at pretending that everything is awesome, but I have always been the type to have a lot going on in my mind. In fact, right now I am feeling a lot of resistance to not put these thoughts out in the open and to just keep pretending.
I found a quote that really resonated with me:
"It is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy"
This hit me hard. I am always pursuing happiness, often appearing happy, yet having come face to face with true happiness only a handful of times in my life. And that is simply because I am usually living in the yesterday or tomorrow. The NOW is very difficult for me to absorb.
I feel like I am on the verge of something amazing. I feel it starting to bubble in my veins. I feel like the laws of attraction are leading me towards something really profound. I feel like my inner magnetic life force gages -yes, you have them too- are pointing me in a direction that is authentic, pure, disciplined, energetic and engaged. I am on the verge of something amazing. I can just feel it. Whether it's an opportunity, a realization, a discovery or a burst of momentum, I know it's right around the corner. I also know that it is up to me to help in it's creation...
I have been making a list of all the things I want to rid my life of...and on the contrary, all of the things that I want to fill it up more with. I have noticed some patterns and distractions that are taking my focus away from where it should be. I have noticed excuses, negative thoughts and obligations starting to play a dictating role in my existance. I have caught a glimmer of myself moving in a direction that is not who I want to become. And it scares the sh*t out of me.
I've been asking myself the question: Is it easier to become lazy, negative, complacent and driven by fear than it is to be positive, proactive, engaged and excited about challenge? Sloth-like is the only way I can describe the recent turn of events in my mind.
I am letting my worries about finances, fitness, esteem, belonging and purpose be too powerful. They are driving me. I've got to take back the steering wheel. I've got to buckle down and start the difficult process of re-creation.
I want abundance. I want to make impact. I want to experience high fives and cheers when I go to bed rather than the excuses and guilt. I want to follow my path with determination, with certainty and with pure joy. No more of this "I'm only half here. I wish..." bullshit.
This post was difficult for me to write, but it's what I'm experiencing and I thought it was important to share. I've read a lot of posts, blogs and books lately that have led me to believe that many others are in this same position of needing a push, a wake up call and some momentum. Can we work together??
No more putting things off. No more procrastination. No more looking in the mirror and dissecting. No more wondering if I am good enough. No more mis-use of time. No more giving too much attention to the things that aren't important. No more "I should have". No more distractions. No more excuses. No more I will do it tomorrows. No more I wish it were yesterdays.
This starts NOW.
Coming over the next few months will be a lot of...new. Newness in perspective, newness in attitude and newness in pursuits.
Welcome to my NEW journey...I feel inspired already!
ps- please comment if this post resonates with you. I want to create a community for myself and others to feel momentum and start taking back control of their thoughts, actions and life!