Today, I am pissed off! I am sick of being optimistic. It feels like I am never going to heal and I am going to be forever remembering the way I used to be able to do things.
I don't feel like a gymnast. I feel like I have never done the sport before. I feel completely removed from it and from the day to day routine of training. I can't remember what it feels like to get ready for training. I can't remember what it feels like to lay in bed at night and have my head spinning with the possibilities the next day holds. My body is getting squishy. It's the furthest away from athletic that it has ever been. My calluses are gone. My legs are as skinny as Nicole Richie's. My stomach has lost the lean tone (I am embarrassed to take off my shirt). Trying to imagine doing a Def (a 1.5 twisting release move on high bar) is impossible. This isn't good.
I think that I was so positive for so long after this injury because I was in the best shape of my life when it happened. I could still visualize my routines so vividly when I was in Germany. Even after I hurt myself, I was still making plans for the things I wanted to add to my routines for the upcoming season. I could mentally feel myself doing gymnastics...even if I couldn't physically do it.
Now, my goals are starting to become blurry. I am uncertain of what I want. I'm scared because my brain is starting to play tricks on me. I keep asking myself the question: Do I want to struggle through this or do I want to just say screw it? The struggle seemed so appetizing before. I love a challenge. I love surprising myself and pushing myself to the limit. But now, that struggle seems like it is drowning me.
I have hit that 2 month wall and being positive is wearing thin.
I talked to Hap today and he said this is normal. He said that I should be upset...he was actually quite surprised that I made it this far without getting really mad!
Hap asked me if I trust people who lie to me. Of course I don't. I hate liars. He asked me why then would I trust myself if I felt pissed off, but tried to cover it up and pretend to be happy. Good question. I guess we sometimes need permission to be MAD!
It makes sense. It is a natural emotion, one that I don't experience too often, but one that is important to express because it helps you sort things out and deal with your issues.
Right now, I'm gonna deal. A good vent session is in order:
Do you know what makes my blood boil right now? It's everyone else not understanding how frickin' difficult this has been (no offence to anyone). Yes, I have made tons of progress. That is clearly evident by the single brace and the lack of wheelchair, but that doesn't mean that this is all happy. This is the most difficult and frustrating injury I have ever had to deal with...and right now feels like the lowest point. On the outside I look like I am moving forward, but on the inside I feel like an out of shape, weak has-been who is sick and tired of being lazy! I try to be diligent. I try to be as optimistic as possible. "I will heal fast. Everything is ahead of schedule. I am doing everything I can". You know what though, today I am feeling down and admitting to myself that this just plain ol' sucks.*That felt good!*
Seriously, who breaks both of their legs at the same time less than a year before the Olympics?
Today I just want to be mad that it happened. It's probably not the most respectable or envious attitude to have, but I am human and I need this.
I think a change of scenery and pace is desperately needed.
Luckily, Melissa and I are off to Toronto tomorrow for the Gold Medal Plates kick off event and a weekend with Kelly, Sue and their son Barrett.
I think this is just what I need to regain my positive perspective and optimism.