Friday, June 25, 2010

Bad Day

Have you ever rolled out of bed and went directly into the wrong state of mind? You start thinking about everything that 'isn't' rather than everything that 'is'. You start picking on yourself and making sure that you turn all your thoughts and ideas into an instant negative. You start kicking yourself and focusing on missed opportunities.

This morning I got up and I was self-destructive. I went right into that bad place and started questioning what I am becoming. Today I have no idea.

Some days I miss structure. I miss having to "be" somewhere. I miss accountability. I miss working towards a goal that is super meaningful. I miss feeling important.

Some days I feel like I am totally in control of this transition thing and that I know exactly what direction i'm heading in. But then there are days when I feel tons of resistance and I can convince myself that any idea I have is a bad one. I can be very self sabotaging and I've determined that it is something that is so easy to do when you don't exactly know what your purpose is.

I try to set myself up right. I try to create plans, make goals and lists, prep for my day ahead the night before, but there are just some days when I can't get that little negative voice out of my head. It drives me nuts and I feel like the only way to get rid of it is to write about it or go for a nice long run, but those are the hardest things to actually do on days like this...

I guess what I am craving is just a sense of belonging. I want to feel like I have somewhere to be, something to do and that, at the end of the day, I am working towards something and making progress.

Transition is hard. Becoming something new can be frustrating. Some days I feel like I am making leaps and bounds forwards, but other days I feel like I am taking massive steps backwards. Let GO! Let GO! Let GO! Move on! Move on! Move on! Who do you want to be and what do you want to do?! It's time. It's time. What do you want life to be like and how are you going to create that?

Maybe I should just STFU, put my runners on and just get moving...that'll help to clear out the clutter in my mind.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Read the book "New Earth". Bad days are our "ego" talking. This book has shaken my own thought patterns and beliefs, and is helping me be more accepting of who I am in every evolving minute (even the bad days-they are the seeds of change and of awakening). I also have felt great liberation in accepting that our main purpose in life is to raise our awareness and consciousness. And that takes time and practice.

I love that you share so openly and dare to be vulnerable.