This morning I got up and I was self-destructive. I went right into that bad place and started questioning what I am becoming. Today I have no idea.
Some days I miss structure. I miss having to "be" somewhere. I miss accountability. I miss working towards a goal that is super meaningful. I miss feeling important.
Some days I feel like I am totally in control of this transition thing and that I know exactly what direction i'm heading in. But then there are days when I feel tons of resistance and I can convince myself that any idea I have is a bad one. I can be very self sabotaging and I've determined that it is something that is so easy to do when you don't exactly know what your purpose is.
I try to set myself up right. I try to create plans, make goals and lists, prep for my day ahead the night before, but there are just some days when I can't get that little negative voice out of my head. It drives me nuts and I feel like the only way to get rid of it is to write about it or go for a nice long run, but those are the hardest things to actually do on days like this...
I guess what I am craving is just a sense of belonging. I want to feel like I have somewhere to be, something to do and that, at the end of the day, I am working towards something and making progress.
Transition is hard. Becoming something new can be frustrating. Some days I feel like I am making leaps and bounds forwards, but other days I feel like I am taking massive steps backwards. Let GO! Let GO! Let GO! Move on! Move on! Move on! Who do you want to be and what do you want to do?! It's time. It's time. What do you want life to be like and how are you going to create that?
Maybe I should just STFU, put my runners on and just get moving...that'll help to clear out the clutter in my mind.