I'm at that point. It took a while, and I knew it would come, but it's finally here!
I have been sitting around for almost a month, patiently waiting for my legs to heal, trying to be totally positive and optimistic, but now I am finding myself going a little psycho.
Frustration and boredom have set in.
I am frustrated because I am sick of having to depend on everyone else. I can't go anywhere or do anything unless I have someone with me. The other people in my life also have obligations and commitments that they have to fulfill and I feel like I am making their lives more difficult. I consider myself an extremely independent person. If something in my life needs to get done, then I find a way to do it. My independence has been basically ripped away from me at this point. I kind of feel like I am 15 again...old enough to know what I feel like doing, but not capable enough to get myself there to do it! I also feel like an infant in some ways...Melissa is my bathing assistant (I honestly don't know how I would get out of the bath by myself, although I did figure out a way to get in. It took me about 5 minutes, but it was a monumental occasion!).
I need help getting a glass of water, making a meal, getting into bed. I can make a lovely mess, but I have to leave it there until someone can clean it up. My room is a disaster. Let's just say it is hard to be organized when you don't have any of your stuff from home.
That's another thing that is getting to me. I haven't lived at my parents house for almost 3 years and now I'm back. Don't get me wrong, my ma and pa have been AMAZING! They have made sure that all of my needs are taken care of before their own. I appreciate everything that they are doing (my dad even built me a sweet wheel chair ramp!)
(This is my brother, Scott, and I wheelin' down the ramp before I had surgery)
I am so grateful for their kindness and willingness to make this easier for me, but it feels a little like a step back when you have to live in your old room! The reason I am staying here is because they have a bungalow and it is much easier to navigate in a wheelchair. My house is a 2 storey and it's impossible to get around in this condition. I was slightly ambitious one day and Melissa and I tried to figure out how it would work at our home, but 2 minutes later, after I almost bailed down the stairs, we decided that living with my mom and dad would be much more practical.
Since my surgery, I feel like all I have done is recycle the same thoughts over and over again. Even as I am writing this, I feel completely brain dead...My creativity and ambition seem to lessen by the day. I think that when you have a lack of daily experiences then you just start to accept the same old. I feel challenged, but more physically than mentally. I believe that mental stimulation is a key factor to feeling balanced. I have watched so much TV in the past 2 weeks that I almost loathe it! Honestly, how can there be so many channels, but nothing on them? My mind is melting!
I know this is the way it needs to be during this very important time of healing. I know that I need to limit my activity and spend a lot of time simply doing nothing. I suck at this though. I hate wasting time and I hate being lazy. I am constantly on the go, trying to progress or make myself better in some sort of way. I feel like I always have to be doing 'something'.
Melissa made a great point though. She reminded me that by doing nothing, I am actually doing something. I am letting myself heal...and right now, that is the ultimate goal.
It's so funny how perspective and goals can change so much in a single moment. One month ago I was dreaming of nailing my routines at Worlds, now I am dreaming about just being able to walk...
I need to keep reminding myself that this will all be a distant memory soon enough.
Until then, I will try my best not to stare at the wall...