Something happened to me a couple of days ago that reminded me that I am indeed human and not the super hero that I was starting to feel like I was becoming.
A certain girl in my life, someone very special to me who I have discussed here before, a certain girl who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, a certain girl who will always have a piece of my heart, thought that it was important to tell me that she is falling in love with someone new. My heart was broken once when we decided to be apart, but it was crushed when this news was delivered.
I don't know how many of you out there have been in my situation, but for those of you who have then you know the feelings of loneliness, desperation and despair that overcome your every thought and breath. For those of you who know what it feels like to learn that someone who you care about is seeing someone new, you know that the pain is almost impossible to describe, but it is so brutally painful.
First, there is the noxious, vomitty feeling that instantly grasps your jaw and insides as you hear the words one by one...I. am. seeing. someone. new. As each word filters through your brain you want to scream louder. And of course being human, you replay them again just to make sure it wasn't your imagination. It hurts more the second time, but the reality of it whacks you in the heart so hard that you can almost feel it trickling into your gut and making your legs weak. Cue the throat tickle and shaky limbs.
She felt it was important to tell me before I left. It probably was, but why does it have to hurt so much? When someone you love starts to love someone else, it is the worst feeling in the world. I am loyal and I hold the things that I care about very close to my heart. Finding out something like this does not give me freedom, it paralyzes me.
We struggled and came to the conclusion that we needed some life experience before we knew for sure. I guess my hope was that she would find that no one could make her feel alive in the way that I did. She is entitled to live her life. I can't ask her to pause it for me. In fact, I am almost certain that this new gentleman will be able to give her what I couldn't. I just wish that I could give her the beautiful life she deserves. I would be honoured and proud if I could. She holds a very special place in my heart.
Maybe she will have this experience and decide that I am the one that she needs. But will I be around and still waiting? I don't know. I shouldn't be. I should move forward to, but it's impossible when I am still in the dream that I have been dreaming for 20 years. I feel so much progress and momentum in the gym, but I also feel very static when it comes to life beyond gymnastics.
What bothers me is that it bothers me. I need to be strong right now and not focus on the things I can't control. If she wants to move in that direction then that is her choice and she is entitled to it. I wish that it didn't affect me or my focus. A heavy heart affects every ounce of a persons spirit. You can't just turn it off like everyone suggests. I want to, I've tried, but the thoughts and the pain are still sitting there, deeply embedded in my soul. The worst part is that when I don't want to think about it then I do. Damn you irony.
I hate picturing her with him. There is a part of me that feels like no one else in this world should be allowed to give her affection. She is not a possession, but I took a lot of pride in my ability to make her feel special.
I should have known this was coming. It was inevitable that it was going to happen. It's just that matters of the heart were not in my pre-Olympic plan and this has thrown me off a bit. It's consuming me more than I should let it.
What do I do? I know what I need to do, but I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. I know that I can not let this affect me and ruin my dream. I have worked so hard and I need to remember what is important here. I am going to the Olympics and I have overcome the biggest obstacle of my life to have the opportunity. I am strong. I am ready. But I am also so weak when it comes to pulling on my heart strings. Right now, I need to do everything in my power not to think about this. I need to get on the plane tomorrow and leave it in Calgary. I have worked way too long and fought way too hard to let my dreams be capsized by this unforeseen circumstance.
Life is so unpredictable. You can think it's smooth sailing and life is grand and then all of a sudden something you didn't want to hear and didn't expect to occur comes stomping in and uproots your balance. Damn uncontrollable circumstances...they make me angry.
When it all comes down to it, she deserves happiness. It just breaks my heart that I will not be the one who will forever make her smile.