Friday, July 25, 2008

Heavy Heart

Something happened to me a couple of days ago that reminded me that I am indeed human and not the super hero that I was starting to feel like I was becoming.

A certain girl in my life, someone very special to me who I have discussed here before, a certain girl who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, a certain girl who will always have a piece of my heart, thought that it was important to tell me that she is falling in love with someone new. My heart was broken once when we decided to be apart, but it was crushed when this news was delivered.

I don't know how many of you out there have been in my situation, but for those of you who have then you know the feelings of loneliness, desperation and despair that overcome your every thought and breath. For those of you who know what it feels like to learn that someone who you care about is seeing someone new, you know that the pain is almost impossible to describe, but it is so brutally painful.

First, there is the noxious, vomitty feeling that instantly grasps your jaw and insides as you hear the words one by one...I. am. seeing. someone. new. As each word filters through your brain you want to scream louder. And of course being human, you replay them again just to make sure it wasn't your imagination. It hurts more the second time, but the reality of it whacks you in the heart so hard that you can almost feel it trickling into your gut and making your legs weak. Cue the throat tickle and shaky limbs.

She felt it was important to tell me before I left. It probably was, but why does it have to hurt so much? When someone you love starts to love someone else, it is the worst feeling in the world. I am loyal and I hold the things that I care about very close to my heart. Finding out something like this does not give me freedom, it paralyzes me.

We struggled and came to the conclusion that we needed some life experience before we knew for sure. I guess my hope was that she would find that no one could make her feel alive in the way that I did. She is entitled to live her life. I can't ask her to pause it for me. In fact, I am almost certain that this new gentleman will be able to give her what I couldn't. I just wish that I could give her the beautiful life she deserves. I would be honoured and proud if I could. She holds a very special place in my heart.

Maybe she will have this experience and decide that I am the one that she needs. But will I be around and still waiting? I don't know. I shouldn't be. I should move forward to, but it's impossible when I am still in the dream that I have been dreaming for 20 years. I feel so much progress and momentum in the gym, but I also feel very static when it comes to life beyond gymnastics.

What bothers me is that it bothers me. I need to be strong right now and not focus on the things I can't control. If she wants to move in that direction then that is her choice and she is entitled to it. I wish that it didn't affect me or my focus. A heavy heart affects every ounce of a persons spirit. You can't just turn it off like everyone suggests. I want to, I've tried, but the thoughts and the pain are still sitting there, deeply embedded in my soul. The worst part is that when I don't want to think about it then I do. Damn you irony.

I hate picturing her with him. There is a part of me that feels like no one else in this world should be allowed to give her affection. She is not a possession, but I took a lot of pride in my ability to make her feel special.

I should have known this was coming. It was inevitable that it was going to happen. It's just that matters of the heart were not in my pre-Olympic plan and this has thrown me off a bit. It's consuming me more than I should let it.

What do I do? I know what I need to do, but I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. I know that I can not let this affect me and ruin my dream. I have worked so hard and I need to remember what is important here. I am going to the Olympics and I have overcome the biggest obstacle of my life to have the opportunity. I am strong. I am ready. But I am also so weak when it comes to pulling on my heart strings. Right now, I need to do everything in my power not to think about this. I need to get on the plane tomorrow and leave it in Calgary. I have worked way too long and fought way too hard to let my dreams be capsized by this unforeseen circumstance.

Life is so unpredictable. You can think it's smooth sailing and life is grand and then all of a sudden something you didn't want to hear and didn't expect to occur comes stomping in and uproots your balance. Damn uncontrollable circumstances...they make me angry.

When it all comes down to it, she deserves happiness. It just breaks my heart that I will not be the one who will forever make her smile.

Kyle

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kyle,

I am SO SORRY to hear your news. That hurts . . . there's no getting around that. Unfortunately, I have had that happen to me, and all I can say is that it WILL get better. Just remember that you are an AMAZING human being and SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU no matter what and will be cheering for you in the weeks ahead. You have come so far and overcome so much. Don't lose sight of that. Keep on believing that you are unstoppable because you ARE. GO KYLE!!!

Michale Shewfelt said...

Ohhhh Kyle! I will be here for you when you come back. I know you will do great at the olympics and know that you will be okay. I love you lots, and lots!

Anonymous said...

U know what? She was absolutely heartless & self-centered & immature. She had to know how deeply this would affect u right before the Olympics that you deeply love and have worked so hard to prepare for? I would be mad as hell at her. And maybe in a few days u'll feel that emotion too....just channel that energy into your workouts & don't let your emotions sidetrack u. When that plane lifts off for Beijing, forget her. She doesn't deserve u. U've got a great job to do at the Olympics...and you will do well. Canada loves you!

Anonymous said...

U know what? She was absolutely heartless & self-centered & immature. She had to know how deeply this would affect u right before the Olympics that you deeply love and have worked so hard to prepare for? I would be mad as hell at her. And maybe in a few days u'll feel that emotion too....just channel that energy into your workouts & when that plane lifts off for Beijing, forget her. She doesn't deserve u.

Jenn said...

We have a tendency to see the best in others, and often we fall in love with the highest potential of a person, rather than with that person him/herself. What a horror it is, to discover that you suddenly don’t know the person who, 10 minutes ago, you called your best friend, lover, etc. The only solace – if you can even remotely open yourself to the possibility of such – is that major life changes happen together (Relationship, new condo, and now another Olympics). It means your life is changing and you’ve got opportunity galore in front of you, waiting for you to act. It's okay (no, it's normal!) to grieve, but also know that you've got such an amazing experience ahead of you, welcoming you with open arms! Now is Kyle Shewfelt time!

Jenn said...

We have a tendency to see the best in others, and often we fall in love with the highest potential of a person, rather than with that person him/herself. What a horror it is, to discover that you suddenly don’t know the person who, 10 minutes ago, you called your best friend, lover, etc. The only solace – if you can even remotely open yourself to the possibility of such – is that major life changes happen together (Relationship, new condo, and now another Olympics). It means your life is changing and you’ve got opportunity galore in front of you, waiting for you to act. It’s okay (no, it’s normal!) to grieve, but know that opportunity is waiting for you, arms open. Now is Kyle Shewfelt time!

MelanieJanelle said...

Oh Kyle. Its so hard to go through, and im sure its exponentially harder when you're trying so hard to focus on something else. You will get through this though, and maybe you too will find that there is someone else in your life that you haven't yet considered. This could be just another opportunity for you to find happiness in joy, although the process does hurt a lot in the mean time. However! You still are superman, don't worry about losing your cape, I'll still watch you fly in the gym if not everywhere else! ;)

bre said...

Just wanted to say you know I am here no matter what...I will send my strength, and courage your way. You know I've been through it and there is nothing that can be said to take way that gut wrenching feeling...so know that you're strong enough and there will be NOTHING that will stand in the way of your dream. YOU CAN DO IT!!! JUST BELIEVE!! ;)

Anonymous said...

Heartless? Self-centered? Immature? I'm not sure thats what this person was. It's been over for a while.
#1 clue her moving out what 6 months ago!
#2 her moving on with her own life!

Every story has 2 sides lets not be too quick to judge!

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be and she realized it before he did!

Lets just make sure were fair kids!

Krystal said...

Little Miss or Mr anonymous has big words to talk about someone they do not know! put your name down next time big mouth and grow some balls! Dont wright comments unless you know both sides of the story!

Kyle you are a strong person and you will be able to pull through! good luck and I will see you when you get back!

Anonymous said...

This is very sad. Big hugs from England.

TCO said...

Maybe you can get some little hottie here to run after you? I figure you're probably dripping in chicks and dollars. Well...at least you can do a double back.

TCO said...

I didn't mean the last comment to be sarcastic. More like teasing you to get your mind off of things. NOt to kick you when down. :)

Jack said...

I think the only thing that is truly selfish and terrible was the timing of the ex.

The Olympics only happen every four years and often, only once in an athlete's lifetime - three times in Kyle's case. But there's no question that the timing was atrocious and self-serving.

Since this sounds like something that has been lingering, then it could have waited another few weeks or should have been handled a couple of months earlier - not less than one month out from an Olympian's biggest moment. Not fair.

Good luck Kyle. You're a champion no matter what happens.

PS - You'll have your pick of Olympians in the village (I know how much fun that can be - LOL!) and Canadians upon your return!
Enjoy it! :-)

campofiorin said...

Hmm ... just stumbled on your post via an internet search. Fitting that I would find an Olympian's blog ... during the Olympics? (Admittedly I had to wiki you.) :/

"I hate picturing her with him. There is a part of me that feels like no one else in this world should be allowed to give her affection. She is not a possession, but I took a lot of pride in my ability to make her feel special."

Been there, and it's gut-wrenching. In my case, two months later, in an email when he let me know that he met his wife abroad and they were now married. No, I never thought I'd see the wedding photos of the man I thought I was meant to spend my life with until *our* wedding.

The good part? It gets better; the desperation and despair go away (slowly); the piece of your heart (s)he holds gets smaller; you realise you will forever make someone else smile. And that it's all okay.

Sorry for the novel, stranger, but this resonated. You'll find her.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kyle...

I read about this in the paper. I am sure Melissa is a sweet girl but I really felt bad for you that she picked that time to tell you about her new gentleman. I felt like she wasn't thinking about your needs.

But now that you are home you get to have a great new life and hopefully even a new love.

All the best,
J